When it Rings Will You Answer?

One and One and One is Three

Posts Tagged ‘regret

She Loves You Yeah Yeah Yeah

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He loved her, this much he knew, but the depths to which he did, not even he could comprehend. Her smile lit his entire world. He knew its detail right down to the spots she had damaged from grinding her teeth in her sleep. He loved those spots the most. He was enamoured with every last one of her flaws. He never saw them as flaws. He only saw them as parts of a whole. He saw them as what made her, her.

Her insecurities were rampant. She found accepting such unconditional love a difficult thing to do. She thought him a fool for loving a wreck like her, but oh, how she loved him too. His childlike optimism fuelled her on a daily basis. No matter how dire the situation, he found the silver lining and never let her fall back into her old habit of running away and hiding.

A leaky roof meant a closer connection to nature. She scoffed. When that leak turned into a hole, he praised the lord for providing them with a skylight. She cried, but inside smiled at his effort. Things like not having enough money for a nice vacation simply meant they’d get to spend more time with friends and family. She didn’t particularly like her family, but figured his was okay enough. He was her rock. She was his life.

The day he asked her to marry him came as a shock to no one but her. They’d never discussed marriage, and although she loved him more than anyone she ever had or ever could, she had never once in her life considered marriage a viable option. She was flabbergasted and annoyed with him for the sudden monkey wrench. She said no. She moved out the next day.

He drank himself to sleep nearly every night for a month. One night he had run out of Scotch, so he decided to leave the apartment and go to the corner store. He was still drunk from the previous twenty-seven bottles and hadn’t seen the light had turned red. He stepped out onto the road and was struck by car. He was rushed to the hospital immediately.

Later that evening, she walked into the room and sat by his side. She called him a stupid fool. She told him that she hadn’t slept that entire month. All she could do was relive the moment of his proposal over and over in her head and scream YES as loud as she could instead of no. When he awoke and saw her there at his side, the first words out of his mouth were once again a proposal.

This time she said yes.


100% of the Shots You Don’t Take

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“How do you feel about her right now?”

“I don’t know how I feel. I’m trying to figure that out.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it.”

“It’s not. I swear.”

“Well you better figure it out soon because I can guarantee you that right now there are a million other guys who know exactly how they feel about her. Hell, I’m practically in love with her myself, and I’ll tell you this much, a girl like that has a lot better suitors than the likes of you. For some reason you have a foot in the door. Don’t fuck it up. Tell her why she should let you step in.”

“I have no reason to give her. I’m not sure she should let me in.”

“Well, then you’re a fucking idiot and you don’t deserve her. I’m telling you right now, find the words and just fucking say them, OUT LOUD, TO HER. Stop being a coward and step up.”

“And if she doesn’t feel the same way?”

“Christ. It’s obvious to everyone but you. You really don’t deserve her if you can’t honestly see it.”


“You can spend your whole life looking for every little reason why you don’t deserve to be happy or you can just say fuck it all and be happy. It’s your choice. It’s that simple. I’m done trying to make you see that. If you want to be miserable and alone, then do it. Just know you blew your chance to be with an amazing person because you were too scared to tell her how amazing she was.”

“I don’t know.”

“I guess that’s the problem. It’ll be too late by the time you do. Figure it out, man. Figure it out.”

Written by josiahh

June 23, 2014 at 6:04 PM

He Sits Alone and Drinks

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he sits alone and drinks
he doesn’t know how he ended up here
while he pours another he’ll reminisce
i used to be happy, he”ll think
i used to have friends
he sits alone and drinks
he sits alone and thinks it’s everyone else but him
it can’t be him
another swig and the anger seeps in
another swig and he feels the tears
he can’t remember the last time
anyone had even asked him how he was
he can’t remember if anyone had asked if he was okay
he sits alone and drinks
he’ll trace it back to her
her memory will take the brunt of his temper
he sits alone and drinks because she went away
she went away because he sits alone and drinks

Written by josiahh

May 18, 2014 at 9:20 PM

DAY EIGHTEEN – “A Destructive Force”

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“I love you so fucking much. Do you know that?”

“Of course I do and I love you too, but you and I both know that this just isn’t working.”

“Do we? I can’t picture waking up without you beside me.”

“You slept on the couch last night.”

“It was a figure of speech, darling.”

“And there is that tinge of resentment creeping into your voice. I’m so tired of feeling resented. I’m exhausted.”

“How can you think that? I don’t resent you. Not one single bit.”

“You gave up everything to move here and it’s not working. You’d have to be a machine to not even the littlest amount of resentment crawl into your heart. To be honest I feel it too.”

“You resent me?”

“I feel all this pressure from you. I feel like I have to be perfect to be the person you want me to be. I’m not perfect. I’m not that person. I’m a fucking wreck and it’s because of you. It’s because of how much I love you.”

“You think I don’t feel pressure? I had a career and friends and my family, and I put them all on the back burner to be here with you. To make this work. I didn’t make that decision lightly and I certainly didn’t make it alone. You practically begged me to move here.”

“I know. I know. I KNOW. I panicked. I thought I was losing you. I wasn’t ready for that to happen.”

“But you’re ready to lose me now? To lose us?”

“That’s not fair.”

“You’re fucking right it’s not fair. Nothing about this is fair. Fair isn’t even in the same fucking state as us.”

“I know and I’m sorry.”

“Oh. You’re sorry. Perfect. I guess everything will be peachy keen now.”

“What do you want from me? I’m trying to be honest with you and all you can do is stick to your passive aggressive sarcasm routine. Do you want me to pretend that everything is okay? I’ll wear a plastic smile until the day I die if that’s what will make you happy.”

“I want you to love me. I want you to be happy. I want to be happy.”

“And are you? Happy? I do love you. I love you with every last ounce of my soul, but I’m not happy. I haven’t been happy for a very long time. You can lie to yourself and to me as much as you want but you haven’t been happy either. I can see it in your eyes and I can feel it when you kiss me.”

“No. I’m not happy, but I still think we can be.”

“Deep down, do you really?”

“I love you. Isn’t that what matters?”

“I love you too. Please understand that I do. But sometimes love isn’t enough. Sometimes love is more destructive than constructive. We’re killing each other. We are. You have to see it. You have to feel it.”

“Maybe we’re meant to.”

“Kill each other? I don’t think I love you quite enough to kill you.”

“Well, I guess that’s something.”

“It’s a start.”

“So, this is really it?”

“I think it has to be.”

“For good? I mean, forever?”

“For now.”


DAY NINE – “A Science Project Gone Wrong”

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“Dear God, what have we done?” Dr. Singh cried out as he slammed the door shut behind him and made sure to bolt all the locks. He and his lab assistant, Jenks had managed to escaped relatively unscathed physically, but no amount of therapy could fix the emotional scars they had just suffered.

“There is no God,” Jenks lamented. He was white as a ghost as he rocked back and forth. Dr. Singh slapped him across the face.

“Dammit, Jenks! Now is not the time to fall apart. We must correct this egregious wrong we have committed and I will need you at full capacity to do it.” Jenks stopped rocking back and forth and slowly turned his head to the Doctor,

“We have to kill it,” he coldly stated.

“Heavens no, Jenks. We are not murderers. We are life givers! Look what we’ve done. We may have misunderstood the responsibility that brings and we certainly erred in judgement, but by god, we will not take that which has been given.” Jenks continued to stare at Dr. Singh.

“And why not?” He asked. “We played God. God gives life and God, sure as the day is long, takes life away. So if we have already taken one of God’s roles, why not the other?”

“There must be a better solution than that.”

“We have to kill it,” Jenks repeated. “We cannot release this thing on an unsuspecting population. They’d be far too vulnerable.”

“No. I don’t accept that,” Dr. Singh replied. “I am going back in. Perhaps I can reason with it.”

“You’re a fool,” Jenks scolded.

“Be that as it may,” Dr. Singh began, “I am going back in. This is your chance to offer your resignation and leave, Jenks. You have served me admirably and I certainly would not hold it against you or blame you should you choose to.”

“Resign?” Jenks scoffed. “I won’t leave you here alone with it.”

“Thank you, dear friend. I admire you greatly.” Dr. Singh unbolted the door and slowly opened it. The lab had been completely destroyed. Broken glass and lab equipment strewn throughout as the electronic equipment sparked. “My God, I’ve never seen anything so uncoordinated.” Dr. Singh and Jenks scanned the room carefully and spotted their abomination standing in the corner. It just stood there, staring in their direction. It slowly moved its hands up to its cheeks, Dr. Singh and Jenks jumped back, “No. No. No. Not again. Please God, no,” Dr. Singh pleaded. It opened its mouth and spoke,


Dr. Singh turned to Jenks,

“We have to kill it,” he whispered.



There is a crack in everything.

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“What exactly is it that you want out of life?”

“I want to be happy. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

“That’s all anybody wants. You’re not different. You’ve just given up.”

“I haven’t given up. I’ve just realized that I am the only unhappy person I know.”

“You cannot possibly be that self-centred and delusional. It is unfathomable to me that you would actually believe that to be true.”

“It is true. Look at me. I am surrounded by the shiny and the happy. The sleeping fools too selfish to wake from their dreams to notice the nightmare swallowing the rest of us.”

“Oh, so now it is an us? I thought you were the only unhappy one? Or are you just the most miserable of the bunch? Christ. Put down the whiskey, Edgar Allan and step outside. These shiny and happy people willfully perpetuating your nightmare aren’t sleeping. They aren’t living in a dream. They are living their lives. The lives they’ve worked hard to establish. Who are you to beat them down because they happened to have found happiness before you have? How do you even know that they’re happy? For all you know, they could be as woeful as you. Besides, what have you done to work towards this ever elusive happiness you so desperately seek?”

“I’m finished with this conversation. You just want to attack me. I’m looking for support.”

“You aren’t looking for support. You’re looking for sympathy. You’re looking for excuses. I’m not willing to make them for you any more. Fix your head, man. You were happy once. I remember you then. You were an absolute delight. Your positivity got you through any door and your smile lit the room on the other side. But this person in front of me, man,  I barely recognize. You’re a shell, and a broken one to boot. You have given up. You’ve gotten so far gone, most of us have stopped bothering to chase you. Stop running. You say you want support? Prove it. Accept it. Stop looking for it in that goddamn bottle. She left you and it sucks. Don’t let that ruin you. Just come home.”

“I’m not ready.”

“Well then let us know when you are, but for chrissakes, don’t wait too long. You’re lost, I know, but we all are in our own way. You are not alone and you certainly aren’t the only person to ever feel as low as you do right now. Understand that and you’ll start to see that light again.”

“I’m trying. I haven’t given up. I know you think I have, but I haven’t. I am looking for that first step. It’s out there, I just haven’t seen it yet. It’s dark. I’m waiting for that light.”

“It will come. It’s like Leonard told us, there is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in. Light always finds a way to break through. Keep the faith in life, and I will keep the faith in you.”

“Love you, Pops.”

“Ditto, Kiddo.”

Written by josiahh

May 7, 2013 at 5:45 PM

No Amount of Fire or Freshness

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you thought you saw her last night
and you lost your breath
your head knew that it wasn’t
but your heart still wished for death
you are joylessly bound by the thought of her presence
and driven to an edge you hoped you’d never reach
desperate, you claw at one last shred of redemption
but that is not the lesson they teach
no, that is not the lesson that they teach

Written by josiahh

April 10, 2013 at 9:19 AM