When it Rings Will You Answer?

One and One and One is Three

Posts Tagged ‘health

She Loves You Yeah Yeah Yeah

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He loved her, this much he knew, but the depths to which he did, not even he could comprehend. Her smile lit his entire world. He knew its detail right down to the spots she had damaged from grinding her teeth in her sleep. He loved those spots the most. He was enamoured with every last one of her flaws. He never saw them as flaws. He only saw them as parts of a whole. He saw them as what made her, her.

Her insecurities were rampant. She found accepting such unconditional love a difficult thing to do. She thought him a fool for loving a wreck like her, but oh, how she loved him too. His childlike optimism fuelled her on a daily basis. No matter how dire the situation, he found the silver lining and never let her fall back into her old habit of running away and hiding.

A leaky roof meant a closer connection to nature. She scoffed. When that leak turned into a hole, he praised the lord for providing them with a skylight. She cried, but inside smiled at his effort. Things like not having enough money for a nice vacation simply meant they’d get to spend more time with friends and family. She didn’t particularly like her family, but figured his was okay enough. He was her rock. She was his life.

The day he asked her to marry him came as a shock to no one but her. They’d never discussed marriage, and although she loved him more than anyone she ever had or ever could, she had never once in her life considered marriage a viable option. She was flabbergasted and annoyed with him for the sudden monkey wrench. She said no. She moved out the next day.

He drank himself to sleep nearly every night for a month. One night he had run out of Scotch, so he decided to leave the apartment and go to the corner store. He was still drunk from the previous twenty-seven bottles and hadn’t seen the light had turned red. He stepped out onto the road and was struck by car. He was rushed to the hospital immediately.

Later that evening, she walked into the room and sat by his side. She called him a stupid fool. She told him that she hadn’t slept that entire month. All she could do was relive the moment of his proposal over and over in her head and scream YES as loud as she could instead of no. When he awoke and saw her there at his side, the first words out of his mouth were once again a proposal.

This time she said yes.

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He Sits Alone and Drinks

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he sits alone and drinks
he doesn’t know how he ended up here
while he pours another he’ll reminisce
i used to be happy, he”ll think
i used to have friends
he sits alone and drinks
he sits alone and thinks it’s everyone else but him
it can’t be him
another swig and the anger seeps in
another swig and he feels the tears
he can’t remember the last time
anyone had even asked him how he was
he can’t remember if anyone had asked if he was okay
he sits alone and drinks
he’ll trace it back to her
her memory will take the brunt of his temper
he sits alone and drinks because she went away
she went away because he sits alone and drinks

Written by josiahh

May 18, 2014 at 9:20 PM

DAY SEVEN – “A Liquid in Motion”

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He sat at his lonely kitchen table, glass and bottle placed in front of him. Thoughts of the handgun in his bedroom creeping into his mind. Try as he might, he could not seem to shake them off entirely. The bottle stood in front of him imploring him to remove the cap and pour, “just a little taste” into the waiting glass.

Why not? He thought. It’s already cost me everything. Why shouldn’t I just give in? He felt the urge crawling and rising. It felt like and was as welcome to him as a spider between the sheets. It crawled upward and whispered quietly on behalf of the bottle. As it reached his ear, it made itself at home. It continued to repeat what the bottle wanted it to. Quietly at first but then in sporadic, fierce bursts of light. He once again thought about the gun.

It would be so easy, he thought. It would be all over. I wouldn’t have to hurt so much every day. I wouldn’t ever hurt anyone else again. They’d all be so much better off. That’s it, the spider whispered, take a drink. Numb the pain, then end that pain forever. Do it. His eyes welled and tears began to stream down his cheeks. They dropped to the table as he leaned forward and grabbed the bottle in front of him.

He popped the cap. Yes, the spider called out, DO IT! He lifted the bottle to his nose and smelled. A brief sense of calm and euphoria engulfed him. The spider’s voice was gone. If this is what it takes to shut you up, maybe it’s worth it. He took a deep breath and lowered the bottle to his lips.

YES! YES! The spider shouted. A blast of pain and light hit his head as he pictured the handgun once more. Jumping up from his chair, he ran to the sink. What do you think you are doing? The spider scolded. You have nothing left to live for. End this now!

“I AM ENDING IT!” He yelled out loud as he turned the bottle over and began to pour it into the sink. The liquid in motion was a beautiful sight to see. He watched it circle the drain and then turned on the tap to make sure it was all rinsed away. “Let’s just get through today,” he said to the spider. “You can try again tomorrow.”

Dear Cadence

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Cadence sat alone on the floor. Situated in the corner of her room, legs pulled up into her chest, she rested her head on her knees and sobbed. She had no idea how she had gotten there or why she was crying. The only thing she knew in that moment was an overwhelming sense of sadness and that she had been here before.   Nothing of any particular significance had happened that day. She woke up, went to school, ate lunch with her friends, answered three questions correctly in class, and stopped to chat with crossing guard on her way home. When she arrived home, she kissed her mother and father, patted her husky on his head and went upstairs to her room. It was only when she closed the door behind her that the weight of the world came crashing down on top of her. It was an unbearable weight that forced her to the ground. That was when she sought solace in the corner.

As she continued to sob, Cadence thought of every happy image that she could muster. She thought of her mother and father. She loved them more than anything in the world. She thought of the day her parents let her pick out Orwell, her husky. She thought of kissing Jessie Hopkins behind the Social Studies portable. She thought of her best friend Kyla. They’d done everything together and had never been in a fight. She thought of rainbows and kittens and warm woollen mittens, but nothing could stop her steady stream of tears. She was convinced that she was broken. She wanted to scream out for help but had no idea how to explain to anyone what was wrong. If she told her parents she was sad, they’d ask her why, and she would have no answer for them. She just was. She couldn’t handle someone telling her to “buck up” or that her life was wonderful. She knew her life was wonderful. That fact made her feel even worse for being sad. She scolded herself between each sob.

There was a knock at her door. Cadence ignored it at first hoping that the person on the other side would take the hint. She didn’t want anyone to see her like this. She had cancelled plans in the past to avoid the inevitable questions people would have if and when she began to cry uncontrollably. Most days she wouldn’t, but the days when she could feel it coming, she just wanted to be alone. There was a second knock and then a third. Cadence couldn’t move and she wasn’t sure she wanted to any way. There wasn’t a fourth knock. Cadence felt a small amount of relief but a larger feeling of regret crept in.

Ten minutes passed when a piece of paper slid beneath Cadence’s door. She looked over at it with an intense curiosity. It seemed as though her body was going to allow her to move just enough to pick it up. She slid herself out of the corner far enough to reach the note. She picked it up and read it.

“Our dearest Cadence,

You are not broken. We are here for you when you are ready to talk. We will ALWAYS be here for you.

Your loving, devoted, ADORING, parents.”

 Cadence held the note tight to chest and closed her eyes and breathed. She wasn’t ready yet, but she had hope that she soon would be. The weight of the world was too much to bear for one person. She knew that now.

Written by josiahh

November 16, 2013 at 5:32 PM

There is a crack in everything.

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“What exactly is it that you want out of life?”

“I want to be happy. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

“That’s all anybody wants. You’re not different. You’ve just given up.”

“I haven’t given up. I’ve just realized that I am the only unhappy person I know.”

“You cannot possibly be that self-centred and delusional. It is unfathomable to me that you would actually believe that to be true.”

“It is true. Look at me. I am surrounded by the shiny and the happy. The sleeping fools too selfish to wake from their dreams to notice the nightmare swallowing the rest of us.”

“Oh, so now it is an us? I thought you were the only unhappy one? Or are you just the most miserable of the bunch? Christ. Put down the whiskey, Edgar Allan and step outside. These shiny and happy people willfully perpetuating your nightmare aren’t sleeping. They aren’t living in a dream. They are living their lives. The lives they’ve worked hard to establish. Who are you to beat them down because they happened to have found happiness before you have? How do you even know that they’re happy? For all you know, they could be as woeful as you. Besides, what have you done to work towards this ever elusive happiness you so desperately seek?”

“I’m finished with this conversation. You just want to attack me. I’m looking for support.”

“You aren’t looking for support. You’re looking for sympathy. You’re looking for excuses. I’m not willing to make them for you any more. Fix your head, man. You were happy once. I remember you then. You were an absolute delight. Your positivity got you through any door and your smile lit the room on the other side. But this person in front of me, man,  I barely recognize. You’re a shell, and a broken one to boot. You have given up. You’ve gotten so far gone, most of us have stopped bothering to chase you. Stop running. You say you want support? Prove it. Accept it. Stop looking for it in that goddamn bottle. She left you and it sucks. Don’t let that ruin you. Just come home.”

“I’m not ready.”

“Well then let us know when you are, but for chrissakes, don’t wait too long. You’re lost, I know, but we all are in our own way. You are not alone and you certainly aren’t the only person to ever feel as low as you do right now. Understand that and you’ll start to see that light again.”

“I’m trying. I haven’t given up. I know you think I have, but I haven’t. I am looking for that first step. It’s out there, I just haven’t seen it yet. It’s dark. I’m waiting for that light.”

“It will come. It’s like Leonard told us, there is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in. Light always finds a way to break through. Keep the faith in life, and I will keep the faith in you.”

“Love you, Pops.”

“Ditto, Kiddo.”

Written by josiahh

May 7, 2013 at 5:45 PM

“For one moment I can see clearly…”

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It seems strange, today is the first day in about a month where it doesn’t feel as though the weight of the world is trying to crush me. I say strange because nothing has changed from yesterday to today, but when I awoke, I felt as though I could actually breathe. I have to remember to breathe. I often forget. It’s a silly thing to forget to do, I know. I used to have a friend who would always remind me. My life has been a struggle without her. Still, I feel as though that is my own doing. You really should not rely on somebody else to remind you to do something that should be instinctual. Of course, Death Cab for Cutie once taught me that instincts are misleading and that I shouldn’t think what I am feeling. I don’t necessarily know if that is true, but it sure does sound nice, doesn’t it?

That is all I have for you today. I guess I just felt like marking the occasion. Thanks for stopping by. Enjoy today’s beautiful blue sky.

Love always,

josiah

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Written by josiahh

February 6, 2013 at 5:39 PM