When it Rings Will You Answer?

One and One and One is Three

Posts Tagged ‘entertainment

The Interview

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“I should not be considered a role model.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“Quite certain. I mean, my first song was called ‘Fuck the Kids, I Hope They All Die.”

“But most took that as satire.”

“Oh, I meant it.”

“You truly hope the kids all die?”

“I haven’t got any. Why not? What have they done for me?”

“Bought your records. Made you rich.”

“All right. I suppose my next song will be titled, ‘I Hope the Kids Don’t Die Until Their Parents Have Spent Their Money on Me.”

“You seem like an angry man.”

“You seem like a weak one.”

“What makes you say that?”

“”You clearly despise me but you would lick my boot for a decent quote. You’re a parasite, and for what?”

“Believe it or not, I happen to like what I do and most people I interview are quite pleasant and thankful for the exposure.”

“You’re just another writer that couldn’t come up with an original story to write so you chase them instead.”

“Have you ever read anything I’ve written?”

“I don’t even know your name.”

“Thankfully, despite your worst intentions, you really have given me a goldmine here.”

“I know.”

“You do?”

“Write your little story. Call me an egomaniacal asshole. You’re helping us both.”

“Who’s the parasite now?”

“Still you.”


Written by josiahh

July 31, 2014 at 5:27 PM

She Loves You Yeah Yeah Yeah

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He loved her, this much he knew, but the depths to which he did, not even he could comprehend. Her smile lit his entire world. He knew its detail right down to the spots she had damaged from grinding her teeth in her sleep. He loved those spots the most. He was enamoured with every last one of her flaws. He never saw them as flaws. He only saw them as parts of a whole. He saw them as what made her, her.

Her insecurities were rampant. She found accepting such unconditional love a difficult thing to do. She thought him a fool for loving a wreck like her, but oh, how she loved him too. His childlike optimism fuelled her on a daily basis. No matter how dire the situation, he found the silver lining and never let her fall back into her old habit of running away and hiding.

A leaky roof meant a closer connection to nature. She scoffed. When that leak turned into a hole, he praised the lord for providing them with a skylight. She cried, but inside smiled at his effort. Things like not having enough money for a nice vacation simply meant they’d get to spend more time with friends and family. She didn’t particularly like her family, but figured his was okay enough. He was her rock. She was his life.

The day he asked her to marry him came as a shock to no one but her. They’d never discussed marriage, and although she loved him more than anyone she ever had or ever could, she had never once in her life considered marriage a viable option. She was flabbergasted and annoyed with him for the sudden monkey wrench. She said no. She moved out the next day.

He drank himself to sleep nearly every night for a month. One night he had run out of Scotch, so he decided to leave the apartment and go to the corner store. He was still drunk from the previous twenty-seven bottles and hadn’t seen the light had turned red. He stepped out onto the road and was struck by car. He was rushed to the hospital immediately.

Later that evening, she walked into the room and sat by his side. She called him a stupid fool. She told him that she hadn’t slept that entire month. All she could do was relive the moment of his proposal over and over in her head and scream YES as loud as she could instead of no. When he awoke and saw her there at his side, the first words out of his mouth were once again a proposal.

This time she said yes.

DAY FIFTEEN/SIXTEEN – “An Animal with Super Power”/”An Unlikely Pair”

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“I have a pitch meeting with the network in fifteen minutes and I’ve got absolutely nothing to pitch. I’m up shit creek here, pal.” Lenny paced back and forth while his friend Phil offered him a solution,

“Take a hit of this,” he held out a fully packed bong and lighter. “It’ll get those creative juices flowing.”

“You want me to go into a meeting with the network, high?! Are you crazy or just stupid?”

“Stoned, man. Stoned.”

“Christ. Okay, how about this, a comedy about a group of friends that live in New York and they hang out at a coffee shop and fuck, I’m just pitching Friends.”

“I like it.” Phil offered. “You know what you should do though?”

“No! I don’t. Hence the shit creek. Tell me Bob Marley, what should I do?”

“Okay – so there’s this dog and it’s got like super powers and its sidekick is a cat and like they fight crime and shit and then the super villain or like you know the nemesis or whatever is a fucking animal control guy who is secretly plotting to kill all the animals in the world. Fuck yeah. I’d watch that.”

“You’ve smoked yourself completely stupid.”

“Nah man. I think I can still get dumber.”

“Well, fuck. A dog and a cat, fighting crime together. Why not. It’s not like they’ll laugh me out of the room.”

“Exactly, man. Just walk in like you own the fucking place. Confidence, dude. Like that fucking cat and dog, man.”


“Yeah man.”

DAY ELEVEN/TWELVE – “Favourite Character as a Zombie”/”Make Believe Occupation”

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We should have listened to that crazy Doctor. His name was Dr. Vincent Singh. He tried to warn us. His laboratory assistant was the first to fall victim. Who could have ever believed it though? An insane scientist claiming to have perfected cloning.

Of course, ‘perfecting’ certainly wasn’t the right word for it. He’d created an abomination and when he and his assistant, Jenks tried to undo the unconscionable, they only made things worse.

You see, it wasn’t actually human. Dr. Singh hadn’t perfected cloning at all. No, he had created a copy of a human being, but it lacked that essence in each of us that made us human. Some people believe it’s a soul, me? I don’t know what I believe any more.

It attacked as they tried to subdue it. “I’m wearing you down, baby. I’m wearing you down.” It taunted them relentlessly. It became overpowering and Jenks snapped. Dr. Singh claimed to see it in his eyes. He was no longer human. He was one with their abomination. He was Urkel.

It’s been fifteen months since the “infection” first spread. The entire world thought it was an elaborate hoax or some advanced viral marketing. We all thought it was just another  Buzzfeed “Hey, remember THIS” type of nostalgia. It was why no one believed what was really happening. We didn’t know the end of humankind was coming.  We were all wrong. It was nostalgia, but the nostalgia was spreading. It was taking over. You could fight it off at first, but eventually, you gave in to it.

There are a select few, myself included, who appear immune to it. We were recruited by the government, at least what’s left of it, to fight back. It has been a struggle but we have made minor progress in ending the relentless question of “Did I do that?” We are A.U.N.T.* and this is our story…



*Anti-Urkel Nostalgia Troops

DAY EIGHT – “An Outlandish House”

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This house! This house! This outlandish house
You wouldn’t believe what you saw in this house
A bowling alley with three hundred lanes
five separate hangars for ten separate planes
This house! This house! This outlandish house
You wouldn’t believe what you saw in this house
Ten thousand people and that’s just the staff
I’m telling you all there’s even a freaking giraffe!
This house! This house! This outlandish house
You wouldn’t believe what you saw in this house
The five hundred swimming pools are both in and outdoor
While each winding hall leads to another liquor store
This house! This house! This outlandish house
You wouldn’t believe what you saw in this house
There are Escher stairs for the hell of it
And a Labyrinth where at the centre the Goblin King sits
I swear that I’m telling you the god’s honest truth
Riding a unicorn I’ve seen Babe Ruth
And as he rode by
I heard him decry
Oh this house! This house! This outlandish house
You wouldn’t believe what you saw in this house

DAY FOUR – “An Unlikely Candy”

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Text if you can’t read it:

There once was a small jellybean named J.B.
J.B. went to Sugar High with the rest of his Candy friends.
His best friend was Henry the chocolate bar.
J.B. and Henry did everything together.
One day a new student came to Sugar High.
She was an apple named Motts.
The rest of the candy made fun of Motts.
They called her fruit and told her she wasn’t candy.
But J.B. And Henry came to her defense.
They reminded everyone that apples had plenty of natural sugars.
So Motts was as candy as the rest.
Now J.B. And Henry have a new best friend!
The end.

DAY ONE – “Someone or Something Experiencing Flight”

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“We have to get going,” Tom stated. “We’re already behind all the neighbours.” Marie popped her head up and scanned her surroundings.

“I know,” she replied. “And were I worried about keeping up with the Joneses, I may share your urgency, but I’m just not sure they’re ready, Tom.”

“Of course they’re ready,” Tom scoffed. “You’re the one that isn’t ready.”

“It’s just too soon,” she pleaded.

“Maybe you’re right, but it’s always been this way. You don’t want to coddle them, do you? They’ll be teased relentlessly and you know it.”

“I’m not coddling them!” Marie raised her voice in frustration, “what if they really aren’t ready, Tom? What then?” Tom paid no attention to the increase in volume as he sidled up next to Marie. He rested his head on hers,

“You’re just being over-protective,” he said. “It’s in your nature and it’s one of the things I love most about you, but it is also in your nature to KNOW that it IS time. We cannot put it off.”

“I know it. I do.” Marie sighed heavily. She turned around to address her children, “Tomas, Henri, and Genevieve.”

“Yes mama,” they spoke in unison.

“Please step forward,” she ordered. Each did as they were told. “Now children, today is a special day,” she addressed them as she paced back and forth as if she were Head Mistress.

“Why Mama?” Tomas asked.

” Tomas, please don’t interrupt me,” she scolded.

“Sorry Mama.”

“As I was saying, today is a very special day in your young lives. It is a day your father and I have been preparing you for since you were born. You may have noticed friends your age have been moving ahead of you and I am sorry for that. I think though, that you’ll find yourselves better prepared and further along in your development. I only want what is best for all three of you.”

“Yes Mama.” They spoke. At this point Marie had moved behind her children as they remained facing forward at attention. She turned to Tom and he gave her the reassuring nod she needed. She moved forward pushed all three of her children simultaneously from behind. They plummeted and she couldn’t bear to watch.

“Oh Tom! What have I done? I can’t look!” She buried her head into Tom’s neck. Tom didn’t say a word, he just stared forward, waiting, knowing. Then it happened.

“Look, Marie, look!” Marie turned her head from Tom and saw. Her three beautiful children in full flight; dipping, diving, gliding, they were perfection in her eyes. “They’re perfect,” Tom stated as if he saw it in Marie’s eyes.

“Oh, Tom! They’re doing it! They’re flying!” Marie was overjoyed. She spread her wings and joined her children mid-air. Tom watched from the nest with loving eyes.

“This is why we’re here,” he thought to himself. He took another moment to watch in awe and then joined his family in flight.

The end.