DAY EIGHTEEN – “A Destructive Force”

“I love you so fucking much. Do you know that?”

“Of course I do and I love you too, but you and I both know that this just isn’t working.”

“Do we? I can’t picture waking up without you beside me.”

“You slept on the couch last night.”

“It was a figure of speech, darling.”

“And there is that tinge of resentment creeping into your voice. I’m so tired of feeling resented. I’m exhausted.”

“How can you think that? I don’t resent you. Not one single bit.”

“You gave up everything to move here and it’s not working. You’d have to be a machine to not even the littlest amount of resentment crawl into your heart. To be honest I feel it too.”

“You resent me?”

“I feel all this pressure from you. I feel like I have to be perfect to be the person you want me to be. I’m not perfect. I’m not that person. I’m a fucking wreck and it’s because of you. It’s because of how much I love you.”

“You think I don’t feel pressure? I had a career and friends and my family, and I put them all on the back burner to be here with you. To make this work. I didn’t make that decision lightly and I certainly didn’t make it alone. You practically begged me to move here.”

“I know. I know. I KNOW. I panicked. I thought I was losing you. I wasn’t ready for that to happen.”

“But you’re ready to lose me now? To lose us?”

“That’s not fair.”

“You’re fucking right it’s not fair. Nothing about this is fair. Fair isn’t even in the same fucking state as us.”

“I know and I’m sorry.”

“Oh. You’re sorry. Perfect. I guess everything will be peachy keen now.”

“What do you want from me? I’m trying to be honest with you and all you can do is stick to your passive aggressive sarcasm routine. Do you want me to pretend that everything is okay? I’ll wear a plastic smile until the day I die if that’s what will make you happy.”

“I want you to love me. I want you to be happy. I want to be happy.”

“And are you? Happy? I do love you. I love you with every last ounce of my soul, but I’m not happy. I haven’t been happy for a very long time. You can lie to yourself and to me as much as you want but you haven’t been happy either. I can see it in your eyes and I can feel it when you kiss me.”

“No. I’m not happy, but I still think we can be.”

“Deep down, do you really?”

“I love you. Isn’t that what matters?”

“I love you too. Please understand that I do. But sometimes love isn’t enough. Sometimes love is more destructive than constructive. We’re killing each other. We are. You have to see it. You have to feel it.”

“Maybe we’re meant to.”

“Kill each other? I don’t think I love you quite enough to kill you.”

“Well, I guess that’s something.”

“It’s a start.”

“So, this is really it?”

“I think it has to be.”

“For good? I mean, forever?”

“For now.”