There is a crack in everything.
“What exactly is it that you want out of life?”
“I want to be happy. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
“That’s all anybody wants. You’re not different. You’ve just given up.”
“I haven’t given up. I’ve just realized that I am the only unhappy person I know.”
“You cannot possibly be that self-centred and delusional. It is unfathomable to me that you would actually believe that to be true.”
“It is true. Look at me. I am surrounded by the shiny and the happy. The sleeping fools too selfish to wake from their dreams to notice the nightmare swallowing the rest of us.”
“Oh, so now it is an us? I thought you were the only unhappy one? Or are you just the most miserable of the bunch? Christ. Put down the whiskey, Edgar Allan and step outside. These shiny and happy people willfully perpetuating your nightmare aren’t sleeping. They aren’t living in a dream. They are living their lives. The lives they’ve worked hard to establish. Who are you to beat them down because they happened to have found happiness before you have? How do you even know that they’re happy? For all you know, they could be as woeful as you. Besides, what have you done to work towards this ever elusive happiness you so desperately seek?”
“I’m finished with this conversation. You just want to attack me. I’m looking for support.”
“You aren’t looking for support. You’re looking for sympathy. You’re looking for excuses. I’m not willing to make them for you any more. Fix your head, man. You were happy once. I remember you then. You were an absolute delight. Your positivity got you through any door and your smile lit the room on the other side. But this person in front of me, man, I barely recognize. You’re a shell, and a broken one to boot. You have given up. You’ve gotten so far gone, most of us have stopped bothering to chase you. Stop running. You say you want support? Prove it. Accept it. Stop looking for it in that goddamn bottle. She left you and it sucks. Don’t let that ruin you. Just come home.”
“I’m not ready.”
“Well then let us know when you are, but for chrissakes, don’t wait too long. You’re lost, I know, but we all are in our own way. You are not alone and you certainly aren’t the only person to ever feel as low as you do right now. Understand that and you’ll start to see that light again.”
“I’m trying. I haven’t given up. I know you think I have, but I haven’t. I am looking for that first step. It’s out there, I just haven’t seen it yet. It’s dark. I’m waiting for that light.”
“It will come. It’s like Leonard told us, there is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in. Light always finds a way to break through. Keep the faith in life, and I will keep the faith in you.”
“Love you, Pops.”
“Ditto, Kiddo.”
Four Letter Words
It’s funny, he thought, just how easily he could fall in love. One quick smile or a flip of her hair, a bite of her bottom lip, the tiniest laugh, or the simplest of looks and he was in over his head, and he meant it. He was a sucker for a beautiful girl and he wouldn’t change a thing about that. How sad, he would often think to himself, that so many would limit themselves to one true love. That they would ignore the love of so many others. That they would rather be alone and hope to stumble into this magical realm of bliss one day. He knew he had far too much love to give and that no one person could ever come close to matching it. If love was meant to be selfless then why bother with it at all? Love was meant to be selfish in his eyes. Why give your heart to someone if they won’t offer you their soul? He needed his heart to beat for himself. He thought it silly when his friend told him how he’d given his heart to the girl of his dreams. You stupid man, he told him, you know if you gave her your heart, you’d be dead. To which his friend could only roll his eyes and argue it was a metaphor and call him a fool. All he could do was laugh at the thought. No, he’d decided, he would continue to love them all equally. None more than the other, and he expected them to love him the same as any other man. It was easier that way. There was no mess. No unhappy endings. Everything just was.
I hate the way you tease me.
Summer, you seemed to be right around the corner. Hiding within each cold breeze you would whisper in my ear, “Don’t fret, we’ll be together soon. I’m just biding my time and warming the ground so you’ll have a place to sit, drink, and be happy in the park.” I believed you. I went about my cold winter days with thoughts of you in my head and in my heart. You kept me warm.
But where have you gone? Today I woke up to the bleakest sky and coldest air. I’ve woken to the threat of freezing rain and broken promises. Summer, you’ve abandoned me in my time of need. Come back to me, Summer.
Summer in the Park
“For one moment I can see clearly…”
It seems strange, today is the first day in about a month where it doesn’t feel as though the weight of the world is trying to crush me. I say strange because nothing has changed from yesterday to today, but when I awoke, I felt as though I could actually breathe. I have to remember to breathe. I often forget. It’s a silly thing to forget to do, I know. I used to have a friend who would always remind me. My life has been a struggle without her. Still, I feel as though that is my own doing. You really should not rely on somebody else to remind you to do something that should be instinctual. Of course, Death Cab for Cutie once taught me that instincts are misleading and that I shouldn’t think what I am feeling. I don’t necessarily know if that is true, but it sure does sound nice, doesn’t it?
That is all I have for you today. I guess I just felt like marking the occasion. Thanks for stopping by. Enjoy today’s beautiful blue sky.
Love always,
josiah
You’ve Changed Your Hair
“your hair, you’ve changed your hair.”
“don’t you like it?”
“i preferred it before.”
“but i did it for you.”
“that simply isn’t true; you did it for yourself.”
“it’s not that different.”
“it is different enough for me to have noticed.”
“yes, but you’d have noticed a single freckle had it gone missing.”
“truly i would have, for i have counted them all.”
“you shouldn’t pay such close attention to me.”
“how can i not when you are the reason i breathe?”
“don’t ever say that, what if something should happen to me?”
“then i would cease to breathe and i fear it would be the end.”
“you’re over-dramatic.”
“and you’ve changed your hair.”
